The love you and your
spouse have for each other is directly affected by almost all of your
behavior. This is a point that I will repeat in most of my remaining
concepts and Q&A columns. Until now, I have focused attention on
behavior that will meet each other's most important emotional needs.
When you behave that way, you are caring for each other. But the
resulting Love Bank deposits will not do your marriage much good if
other behavior leads to Love Bank withdrawals. So to help you gain
control over your behavior so that you can learn to avoid making Love
Bank withdrawals, I will introduce you to my next basic concept, Love
Busters.
Why would any of us hurt the one we promised to love and cherish?
Lack of empathy is at the core of the problem. I was struck with what we are all up against while
watching a Star Trek episode. Spock had volunteered to be possessed by an alien presence so
that it could communicate with Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
As soon as it entered Spock's body, its first reaction was, "Oh, how lonely you must all feel."
You see, in the alien world, they were all connected to each other through telepathy so that each one
could feel what everyone else felt. They were all emotionally bonded to each other. But as soon as
the alien possessed Spock's body, it realized that we humans are all cut off from each other
emotionally. And it viewed our state as incredibly isolated and lonely.
One of the most important consequences of our emotional isolation is that we cannot feel the way we
affect others. And that creates the temptation to hurt others because in doing so we don't feel the
pain we cause. If we were connected emotionally to others as the aliens were, we would be far less
tempted to do anything thoughtless, gaining at someone else's expense. That's because in so doing,
we would be hurting ourselves as well.
And that's what I always seem to be battling when I try to encourage one spouse to avoid doing
anything that would hurt the other spouse. I cannot seem to trigger empathy. Each spouse
complains about how thoughtless the other spouse is, without much awareness of his or her own
thoughtlessness.
Lack of empathy helps makes thoughtlessness possible. Since we don't feel what other's feel, we
tend to minimize the negative effects we have on others, and consider our thoughtlessness to be
benign. An angry outburst is regarded by some as a creative expression. Disrespect is viewed as
helping the other spouse gain proper perspective. And a demand is nothing more than encouraging a
spouse to do what he or she should have done all along. None of these is seen as one spouse
gaining at the other's expense, because the spouse who is inflicting the pain does not feel the pain.
But whenever one spouse is the cause of the other's unhappiness, one thing's for sure -- Love Bank
withdrawals are taking place.
I call the all the ways that spouses are inconsiderate of each other's feelings Love Busters because
that what they do -- they destroy the love that a husband and wife have for each other.
